i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
