I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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