Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
