So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
