some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I forget how to act sober
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