I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
