Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.