Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
being pregnant is like rehab
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?