My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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