He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
