haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
