were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
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