Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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