just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
