areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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