are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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