He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
