I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
