Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
