: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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