Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Can you bring me the toilet please
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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