I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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