I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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