your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
