I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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