MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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