So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
