If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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