If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Randomize
