Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
