Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
