Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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