I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
