DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he was CRYING into my vagina
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
