Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
