: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Randomize
