I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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