the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
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