The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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