Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
