woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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