Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
