The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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