dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
