maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
