I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize