I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
