The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
