I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Randomize
