im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
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Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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