my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
