Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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