I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
