I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Rumble strips road head = magical
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.