There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
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I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
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If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.