you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
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Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She's the barista slut.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
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and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.