I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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