I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
