So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Too much gin, very little bucket
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
