not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
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