What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
