i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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