even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize
