i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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